By Shannon Bussnick, LSW

Embarking on the journey of self-love often begins with a reflection, literally and metaphorically.

We’ve all stood before the mirror, pinpointing every imperfection, reliving awkward conversations, and dwelling on wishful changes—a different body shape, higher IQ, clearer skin, or maybe a change in demeanor to avoid those cringe-worthy moments.

It’s a narrative all too familiar–the quest to embrace oneself, extending the same kindness to ourselves that we offer to others.

Quite often we’re met with the self-love mantras like “embrace your authentic self” and “love the skin you’re in,” though inspiring, sometimes resonate from realms outside our immediate reality.

These phrases orbit around us—in casual talks, social media posts, and self-help books. They surface during heart-to-heart conversations with close friends or post-meeting debriefs with colleagues.

We often echo them without a second thought, yet internalizing them, making them a part of our daily dialogue, is a whole different beast.

Perhaps this well-intentioned repetition has desensitized us, or maybe the issue lies in the superficiality of social media, which often shields listeners more than it aids the one facing challenges. Or maybe, just maybe, we aren’t truly listening.

While this may seem a tad philosophical, it’s an honest observation. Often, we don’t grasp why we say what we say. A plausible explanation could be our lack of presence—with ourselves and with others.

Identifying Your Truth

Amidst this vortex of positive affirmations, have we paused to decipher what self-love truly means to us, personally?

Sure, it might resemble reiterating ‘good vibes only,’ but maybe it looks a bit different. Our fight against the one-size-fits-all approach sometimes falls to the wayside, ultimately affecting our ability to identify our truth.

Imagine if your favorite restaurant didn’t allow you to swap sides.

Outrageous, right?

Or the LBD you picture yourself in for your birthday doesn’t come in your size. I’d hope the fashion industry has learned a thing or two from Mean Girls buttt I digress.

The same principle applies to self-love.

Despite commonalities among us, shared interests, or belief systems, love’s perception and expression differ for each of us.

This realization propelled me to look deeper into loving myself fully, hoping to inspire you to do the same. After all, love (IMO) is the ultimate goal, in whatever form it manifests.

But to truly love ourselves, we must first understand ourselves.

On the surface, this sounds straightforward. You might think, “Of course, I know myself, it’s been me, myself, and I from the get-go.”

While that holds, I’d still pose the question—do you truly know yourself?

At your core?

In your quietest and loudest moments?

Can you, without hesitation, articulate your strengths, fears, and shortcomings?

The journey of self-discovery is perpetual, yet foundational to nurture a growth mindset, align with your desires and needs, and to trust yourself without reservation. This trust heralds the commencement of self-love.

Trusting the Path to Loving Yourself

Learning to love yourself isn’t a fleeting resolution penned in the back of your old middle-school journals; it emanates from a place deep within, unswayed by the transient fervor of new beginnings.

But learning how to love yourself takes work.

I’ve realized that this ‘work’ we often evade, our personal emotional labor, tends to be the epicenter of our tribulations. It’s the unseen force that tips us into overthinking spirals, like a ghost fueling our self-sabotaging tendencies. It’s the barrier that prevents us from reaching our potential, moving past our comfort zone, and thriving.

To step fully into ourselves, we must first do the work to heal from our emotional roadblocks.

Take my youth for example, where without fail, I’d ask close friends to order any and all of my meals for me. Sure, sounds harmless enough; but really, this innocent act, as it seemed, hinted at a deeper issue. This avoidance was a prerequisite to full-fledged social anxiety, which I recognized much later.

The reliance on others for validation hindered my ability to trust myself, and to confidently make choices—no matter the magnitude. Although I had a big personality and big opinions, I was reluctant to just be. I held back from being my best self.

This lack of trust in myself followed me into adulthood, setting the stage for an array of challenges. Fear, desperation, isolation, frustration, resentment, and self-loathing found a perfect hiding spot in these cracks of self-doubt. You can imagine some of the struggles that manifested until I could navigate these emotional roadblocks.

Steps You Can Take to Enhance Your Happiness and Wellbeing

When we cultivate self-love, nurturing our happiness and well-being, life begins to unfold beautifully.

Although trials and tribulations will present, you start to feel grounded, as if an equilibrium has been reached.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) underscores a crucial fact: our self-perception is pivotal to our overall mental and emotional well-being.
When we harbor love for ourselves, the ripple effects touch every realm of our lives—relationships flourish, careers take off, and the constraints of past addictions loosen.

The steps you take, be it reviving a love for painting or opting for a nutrient-rich Mediterranean meal over fast food, should stem from love, not punishment.

So, how can we nurture this self-love?

Here are some gentle steps you can take to cradle self-love in your life:

Release past grudges; they’re burdensome to carry.

Incorporate self-care into your daily routine: dance, paint, share laughter with loved ones, set up an at-home spa day, or welcome in the serenity of yoga or meditation.

Reduce digital whirlwind; limit screen time and immerse yourself in topics that challenge you but don’t compromise your health and well-being.

Steer away from toxic behaviors like gossip and self-comparison; they tarnish inner peace and do little for personal development.

Surround yourself with what ignites your spirit. For myself, that’s inspiring people, enriching places, and enlightening conversations.

(Also add in some party planning, amateur interior design, a rich flat white with a side of chocolate, and a bit of jogging thanks to Elle.)

Revitalize your living space with a touch of redecoration.

Volunteer; the warmth of giving is incomparable.

Adopt a healthier lifestyle, one small choice at a time.

Seek support during challenging times, from loved ones or mental health professionals.

Connect with nature, let tranquility seep in and do its magic. You’ll feel refreshed and revived.

An Ever-Evolving Journey…

Embarking on the path of self-love isn’t smooth; it’s a journey laden with bumps and bruises.

Understanding yourself and identifying what drives you are key on the journey to self-love. During challenging times of self-development, reminding yourself of your motivation for change can help to refocus your attention and inspire your direction.

Remember though, change takes time; it reveals our deepest wounds and provides a space to embody who we are and who we want to be.

As you start shedding layers of self-doubt, allowing yourself the freedom to shine, you’ll notice the reflection in the mirror change. It will return back a clarity you’ll recognize, as though it never really left.

You see yourself.

You remember this self, even if you never really embodied this version before.

And trust me, you are absolutely worth the love you’re about to bestow upon yourself.

Today, do something for you.
And tomorrow, do it again.

See you next time on Vienna Lane

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References:
Gold, A. (2016, July 12). Why self-esteem is important for mental health. NAMI. Retrieved December 7, 2021, from NAMI Website.