By Shannon Bussnick, LSW

Family secrets are often hidden deep within their host, causing stress, emotional strain, and a multitude of other physiological effects. These secrets may not seem harmful at first but can lead to significant emotional distress once revealed. Frequently, it’s these deep-rooted secrets that have the power to change the course of someone’s life, often emerging at the most inconvenient moments.

Here, we unpack the importance of confronting and releasing these secrets. You’ll also find helpful approaches to foster open communication within the family system.

The Consequences of Keeping Secrets

Secrets that are kept within a family can have unexpected, startling impacts when they come to light. The fact alone that information is considered a “secret” indicates its significance and potential to cause harm.

We’ve all likely heard the phrase, “Secrets keep people sick,” highlighting the idea that the stress and loneliness from keeping secrets are detrimental to both individuals and the family as a system. This situation often leads to a cycle of poor communication and harmful behaviors, making the person keeping the secret feel even worse over time.

It’s essential to remember the importance of trust, respect, and transparency in a family setting. Everyone deserves to know the truth, allowing them to process and understand it in their own time.

Deciding to Reveal Family Secrets

The decision to share a family secret can be difficult. It involves weighing the potential benefits and drawbacks of revealing the secret.

If stuck, consider asking yourself the following:

• Do my family members have a right to know this information?
• Could someone be hurt by not knowing?
• What are the consequences of keeping this secret?
• Is keeping this secret in the best interest of the family?
• Is the burden of keeping this secret worth it?

Sometimes, preparing oneself ahead of time can make a person feel more secure and inclined to convey the knowledge fully.

Promoting Open Communication

To avoid the need for secrets, it’s important to cultivate an environment of open and supportive communication within the family. This includes actively listening to one another, being open to different perspectives, and expressing feelings in a constructive, safe way. Spending quality time together and engaging in shared activities can strengthen family bonds and improve communication. Discussing personal and family goals can also help create a more supportive and engaged family environment.

Life After Sharing a Secret

Revealing a secret can bring relief and enhance both emotional and physical health. You might experience several physiological improvements as a result, including:

1. Reduced Stress Levels: Disclosing secrets decreases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, lowering the risk of hypertension and heart disease.

2. Improved Sleep Quality: Sharing secrets can relieve the mental burden that disrupts sleep, enhancing sleep quality and physical health.

3. Lower Risk of Mental Health Issues: Opening up about secrets can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, such as fatigue and headaches.

4. Enhanced Immune Function: Stress reduction from revealing secrets boosts the immune system, protecting against infections and diseases.

5. Improved Heart Health: Alleviating the stress tied to secrets can decrease blood pressure and heart rate, reducing heart disease risk.

6. Better Digestive Health: Reducing stress through disclosure can normalize digestive functions, alleviating stomachaches and nausea.

7. Increased Self-esteem and Overall Well-being: Disclosing secrets can combat feelings of guilt and isolation, improving self-esteem and well-being.

8. Enhanced Social Support and Connections: Sharing secrets strengthens social bonds, providing emotional support and improving health outcomes.

It’s important to be patient and understanding with yourself and your family members as everyone adjusts and heals post-deliverance. Recognizing and respecting the different ways each person processes new information is key to moving forward.

Our Take Away

Keeping secrets, especially those that hide any form of abuse or neglect, is never justified.

Open dialogue, trust, and honesty are vital for maintaining a healthy and supportive family environment; encouraging these values within your family can help prevent the negative effects of keeping secrets and prevent the cycle of toxic norms and behaviors from continuing.

In truth, secrets held too tightly can cast long shadows, often burdening more than they protect. Perhaps, next time we’re faced with that ‘ol familiar, ‘Can you keep a secret?’ we’ll pause and consider the possible weight of agreeing, while also making a conscious effort to avoid placing these undue expectations and pressure on others.

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References
• Family secrets. Relate. (n.d.). https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/family-common-problems/family-secrets.
• Shapiro, D. (2019, February 4). Author Dani Shapiro on the power and danger of family secrets. PBS. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/author-dani-shapiro-on-the-power-and-danger-of-family-secrets.

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