Why Telling Kids Not to Cry Misses the Mark

By Shannon Bussnick, LSW

As mothers, we often receive the age-old advice to hide our feelings of anger, frustration, exhaustion, and irritation. We’re encouraged to disguise these feelings, to put on a brave face for the world—and especially for our children.

But this approach begs the question:

Why are emotions, so fundamental to the human experience, often pushed aside?

Our children’s emotional development is a complex journey filled with intense feelings they sometimes struggle to understand. In their search for guidance, they look towards the adults in their lives—parents, caregivers, teachers, and extended family members. Rather than concealing our emotions, it’s crucial we embrace them, name them, and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms, all while acknowledging our imperfections.

Our children often imitate our thoughts, actions, and values; which is exactly why telling kids not to cry, and navigate challenging feelings, misses the mark for raising healthy, happy, secure people.

And sure, we all have moments we’re not necessarily proud of, and that’s ok. This demonstration of humility teaches a vital lesson: learning from mistakes is a natural part of life—even if it takes us a few missteps before we get there. Allowing our children to see this vulnerability and transparency is more important than a slip-up in our strides at gentle parenting.

Constructive Expression of Emotions

When it comes to navigating ‘big feelings’ with your little ones, here are some techniques:

1. Anger and Frustration: Encourage the use of journaling, drawing, or physical activities as outlets. Practicing deep breathing and mindfulness can also help soothe the immediate intensity of these emotions.

2. Sadness: Create a safe space for sharing feelings openly, using creative outlets like art or music for expression. Comfort can also be found in spending time with pets, enjoying a favorite film, or immersing in nature.

3. Fear and Shame: Help name the fear and discuss possible outcomes, emphasizing that most fears are magnified by our imagination. Engaging in role-playing activities can help children develop the ability to handle situations that may make them feel vulnerable with confidence.

4. Building Confidence: Highlight small achievements and foster a growth mindset, focusing on effort rather than outcome. The end result matters less than the journey itself. Encourage setting personal goals and recognizing every effort made towards achieving them. This is the foundation for building strong character and enhancing resilience and perseverance.

The Impact Suppressing Emotions Has on Kids

Instructing children to hide or question their emotions, such as telling them: “Don’t cry,” “You’re fine,” and even more discomforting, “Toughen up” or “Boys don’t cry,” fosters confusion and shame, hampering their ability to deal healthily with feelings.

We must forget that young minds may not always understand the root of their emotions, but offering support and understanding is paramount.

Suppressing emotions can also impede the development of self-esteem and emotional intelligence, affecting children’s abilities to form healthy relationships and navigate social situations effectively.

Yes, while experiencing blissful happiness is often a common objective for the majority of us, wearing a mask that doesn’t correspond to our emotional state can be one of the most damaging doings to our inner self, leading us farther away from achieving all-around health and happiness. This behavior that harms oneself, even if unconscious, can be challenging to overcome.

Embracing Emotional Honesty

Feelings, transient as they are, teach us important lessons about human resilience and vulnerability. By embracing our emotional truth, we model for our children the importance of acknowledging and sitting with our feelings. Of trusting that they’ll soon pass. This openness paves the way for teaching them not to fear their humanity but to understand and express it constructively.

In our journey to nurture emotionally intelligent children, let’s shift away from “don’t cry” to a more understanding and supportive approach. By doing so, we’re not only validating their feelings but also empowering them to face challenges, grow from their experiences, and fully embrace the scope of their emotional, physical, and social selves. This is the core message of “Why Telling Kids Not to Cry Misses the Mark” – we should promote emotions as a strength, not a weakness.

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