Are You the ‘Black Sheep’ or Family Unicorn?

By: Shannon Bussnuck, LSW

We’ve all heard the phrase “black sheep of the family.” It’s a term that’s been used for generations to describe those who don’t quite fit the family mold. But in today’s diverse world, is this label still relevant, or is it time for a perspective shift?

Let’s find out whether you’re truly a black sheep or if you might actually be a family unicorn—a unique and valuable member whose differences are something to celebrate.

It’s important to understand that this conversation is not intended to diminish or dismiss anyone’s experience within their family, particularly if it has been painful, stressful, or harmful to their health, safety, or well-being. Instead, the aim of this discussion is to question the terminology we employ in situations where family dynamics are not straightforward, or inherently negative and detrimental. Our objective is to present a more detailed view of family relationships and the roles they encompass.

The Traditional “Black Sheep” Narrative

Typically, when someone refers to themselves as the “black sheep,” it evokes empathy—as it oftentimes should. For those who experience challenges receiving support and acceptance within their family system, this is not an easy thing to navigate.

The traditional narrative of “the black sheep” often paints a picture of someone:

• Struggling to fit in
• Battling against family expectations
• Feeling misunderstood or undervalued
• Facing criticism for their lifestyle or choices

This perspective often implies that the family is somehow faulty—perhaps having unreasonable expectations or failing to promote the well-being of the “black sheep” member. And while this can certainly be the case, it’s not always the full story.

A New Perspective on Family Roles

What if, in some cases, being different isn’t a source of family tension, but rather a cause for celebration? It’s time to consider that some families genuinely enjoy and celebrate the unique qualities of their members, despite the challenges that can arise from time to time.

When “Black Sheep” Doesn’t Fit

If a family is open-minded, accepting, and appreciative of a member’s differences, is it really appropriate for that person to describe themselves as the “black sheep”? In these cases, using this term might not only be inaccurate but could also misrepresent positive family relationships.

Alternative Terminology

For those whose differences are positively received by their families, consider these alternative descriptors:

• The “unique” or “distinctive” family member
• The family “trailblazer”
• The “creative spark” or “free spirit”
• The “diverse voice” in the family

Black Sheep or Majestic Unicorn? How to Tell the Difference

Are you truly the black sheep of your family, or is it time to reassess your role—perhaps breaking free from “roles” altogether.

While every family situation is unique, here are some signs that might indicate you’re actually a family unicorn rather than an outcast:

1. Your family seeks your opinion, especially on important matters
2. They proudly share your accomplishments, even if they’re different from family norms
3. You receive regular invitations to family gatherings
4. Your family supports your choices, even if they don’t fully understand them
5. There are open discussions about differences without tension
6. Your family defends you to others
7. You feel comfortable being yourself around family

On the flip side, reasons why you may identify more as a “black sheep” include:

1. Constant criticism of your lifestyle or choices
2. Exclusion from family events or decision-making
3. Feeling the need to hide your true self around family
4. Lack of emotional or practical support for your goals
5. Being the subject of negative family gossip

The Complexity and Evolution of Family Dynamics

It’s important to note that family relationships are rarely simple or straightforward. Someone might feel like a “black sheep” due to internal perceptions or past experiences, even if their family is currently supportive. This highlights the need for ongoing self-reflection and open communication within families.

Family dynamics evolve over time, and so too should our perceptions of our involvement within them. If you’ve long thought of yourself as the “black sheep,” it might be worth re-examining whether this label accurately applies. And certainly, if it does, we extend hope and healing on your individual path. Your health, safety, and well-being should always be prioritized, along with your loved ones.

Rethinking Self-Labels and Family Roles

Encouraging more precise and potentially positive language can foster healthier perspectives on family diversity and individual differences.

Here are some steps to help you reassess your family role, perhaps letting go of one altogether:

1. Reflect on recent family interactions
2. Consider how your family reacts to your accomplishments and choices
3. Examine your own biases and perceptions
4. Have open conversations with family members about your feelings
5. Seek outside perspective from friends or a therapist

Embracing Uniqueness

Whether you identify more as a black sheep or a majestic family unicorn, remember that your unique qualities contribute to the richness of your individuality, of your life.

Embracing your distinctive traits and leaving behind a role of limitation can lead to:

• Increased self-confidence
• Better family relationships
• A more positive outlook on life
• The ability to inspire others to embrace their uniqueness

Conclusion

While the “black sheep” label can be apt in some situations, it’s not a one-size-fits-all description for family outliers. Perhaps this role, even if historically fitting, is not conducive to your health and well-being. By reevaluating how we talk about family diversity and individual differences, we can create more inclusive and supportive family environments.

Black sheep, family unicorn, or however you most comfortably identify – you hold value. It’s time to celebrate the diversity within our families and recognize that being different can be a strength rather than a weakness.

Let us know: How do you see yourself within your family system? Is it time to reframe your narrative? Why or why not? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below, and let’s continue this important conversation about family diversity and acceptance.